I'm joining pals Sarah and Elizabeth to write every day in the month of December, feel free to join in any time! Today's prompt: Vulnerability. It’s scary to share our true selves because it leaves us open and vulnerable. When were you vulnerable this year? What was the result?
Vulnerability is just the worst, isn't it? I mean, it's actually the best. Technically. But the worst all the same.
The thing about vulnerability is that you just can't engage unless you truly trust someone with your heart. There are maybe 5 or 6 people total on this planet that I trust with my heart completely. You know who you are...
Let's go back first though because I think it's really important to understand that my history as a person doesn't include vulnerability or any actual feelings or emotions until I was well into adulthood. I was raised in a home where crying and screaming or any out of control behavior was strictly prohibited and deemed weak. I was taught to self-soothe early on, stuff it down, don't talk about it, swallow it whole, and just generally be a robot who complies.
Turns out because I didn't feel things, there was nothing to protect. So, I never felt vulnerable. And, even if I had a really good reason to feel something, discussing it with others wasn't an option. So, I also didn't have to trust anyone. I effectively felt very little and trusted no one. Wah.
It's arguable whether my parents are bad people or not. I don't think they mean to be. But I think they're pretty rotten. Not because they raised me that way, because they actually don't accept the compassionate, emotional, independent person that I've become.
So, back to the question at hand, which is how was I vulnerable this year? Well, I've been fortunate to live peacefully without them in my life throughout this entire calendar year. In fact, the last time I had contact with my parents was July of 2014, right before I married my wife, which they opted out of attending. What happened that July is a whole other blog post. But, I digress...
This year, I've felt vulnerable because even though I resent them for how they have alienated and divided my entire family, am disgusted by their bigoted views, and am sick and tired of my mother being a tyrannical psychopath... I still wonder how they are. My mother was pretty sick the last time I spoke to her. Sometimes I google her name to see if she's written a recent review on Amazon.com, which she does at times, just to find out if she's still alive.
I feel vulnerable because these thoughts and actions mean that I still care. I care about people who don't care about me. Isn't that one of the hardest possible things a person can face? That's not just normal rejection. It's biological rejection. yikes.
My desire is to revert back to that person who feels nothing and can harden my heart to the disappointment of all of this and move on with my life without missing a beat. But that's not who I am anymore. I feel all of the things. And my sweet wife, G, is always right there to listen to me and not judge. I trust her with my heart. Even the parts I wish I could cut out and leave behind.