KayShay Code // Rule #7 // Ask and you shall receive
October 7, 2015
Rule #7: Ask and you shall receive
There are two parts to asking for things. Asking for the things we need and deserve from others, and asking for help regardless of what we think we deserve. The first is more straightforward, but still very difficult to do. Why is that? Are we so afraid of inconveniencing people or having them think something of us that we are unwilling to say what we want?
You’ve heard this one before—maybe even your mother said it to you—Use Your Words. It sounds like something a mother would say. Mine didn’t say that. Mine said “be quiet”. And I grew up unable to identify and articulate my needs. Sometimes we get stuck because we don’t know what we need. I definitely get that, but it’s a whole other issue altogether.
If you know that you need something, or feel you deserve something, you should say it. Don’t cry, don’t complain, don’t be the victim. It’s unfair to others to have an expectation of a need fulfilled if they have never been communicated with. Should your partner be able to read your mind? I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but no. They should not have to guess or decrypt some inner unfulfilled woe that you have. Maybe they will be able to after decades of togetherness, but understanding another human being takes a lifetime of practice, and you only get practice when you are able to fulfill needs as they are stated.
All that being said, your every whim may not be fulfilled in this lifetime. Not every need, whether stated or unstated, will be met. Go on, pout a little. And then come back to the real world and be an adult. The point I am making here is that while not all things will be served up on a silver platter, those not requested will most certainly not be there for the pleasing. And, keep in mind, no good relationship is keeping score of the needs fulfilled on either side, but you should be willing and ready to equally indulge the needs of your fulfiller.
Now… Who doesn’t like asking for help? I see lots of virtual hands in the air. Me too. Right there with you. There is a sense of ownership with certain things, we want things done our way, we don’t trust anyone else to do something we know we could ourselves do given the time or ability or energy- whatever our personal limitation is. Bottom line, we want to control everything. We can start by accepting the fact that we have personal limitations, and we have no control over that. There are only 24 hours in a day; there are only so many dollars in the bank; there are only so many nerves that can be plucked.
Next step, figure out why you are having a hard time asking. Are you afraid of rejection? Try to go into a request without the expectation that there will be an immediate- or even eventual- yes. Allow the person you are asking to state their own need by telling you if they can really be of service to you or not. We honor those around us when we not only ask for what we need, but understand their needs as well. After all, they too have the same unwavering limitations of resources that we do. Are you afraid of owing something in return? If that is the case, then darling, you are asking the wrong person. A true friend or family member does their best to fulfill the needs of their loved ones without the expectation of action in return, and are happy to do so. Try to remember that the people who love you want to do things for you, especially things that give you great relief and peace, just as you love to help them if they were to ask you.
I love this rule because it is the perfect intersection of practices already on my personal manifesto.
Rule 1: Be Yourself. Not some super human who can do everything and be everything for everyone. Be vulnerable. Have needs. Allow people to help you.
Rule 2: Zero negativity. Don’t drown yourself in the silence of the unfulfilled needs in your heart, it will cause resentment, and ultimately negativity to those around you.
Rule 3: Say I love you. Better applied in reverse to say: allow those around you to say they love you. Give them the opportunity to be there for you and speak your love language to
you. It will make asking for help so much easier when you understand the truth of this.
Rule 4: Give the benefit of the doubt. Not all of your wildest inner desires will be met. Make sure you’re able to give the benefit of the doubt to those who have to tell you no.
Rule 5: Find gratitude. For the needs fulfilled and especially for the needs left unfulfilled. They provide opportunities for us to grow, change, and refocus on what is important.
Rule 6: Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you’ve made a big ask, try to be mindful of the control you want to exert over the person who is helping you. Don’t get too tied to the process or the outcome. Trust that it will get done, even if it’s not the way you would have done it.